I watched this funny video yesterday of “what every woman thinks when she’s walking through Target.”
It inspired me to jot down my own typical run of Target since I only go there for two items: diapers and wine. My thoughts are in quotations.

begin scene:

“No kids…holla!!”
Walk in.
“Wow, that SMELL. I love/hate it.”

Grab cart.
Inside of cart makes loud slamming noise. BAMMM. Flinch.

“Whaaat?! No cart wipes?”
Get out antibacterial and try to inconspicuously clean off cart.
“Oh that lady saw. She’s gonna think I’m a germaphobe. Don’t care. Am one.”

Pass bathrooms.
“Thank God I don’t have to go because their women’s restroom always smells like assholio, and I don’t have kids with me to justify the family restroom.”

Walk past all the dollar crap. I don’t want/need ANY of that. Looking at women perusing that stuff. “They got sucked in! How? Why?!”

Walk past scarves/purses… “keep walking, Court. You don’t need any of it. You’re on a budget.”

Walk past clothes.
“oh now that shirt is IN the budget. Not trying on. Dressing room and stinky feet smell. No time for it tonight. I’ll bring back if doesn’t fit. Which it likely won’t since I’m feeling huge.”

Pass maternity. “Whew.” Flinch. Jerk. Sharply turn corner.

Pass men’s.
“Andrew needs undershirts. I think.”
2nd item into the cart.

Pass shoes. “Don’t even look, lady.”

“Here we are. Finally what I came for.
Gosh, is he in 5’s already?! My Baaaaaby!!

Pass toys.
“Thank God it’s not Christmas time for a long time. Sara would remind me it’s not that far away. Get to the wine, lady. Get to the wine.”

Walking, thinking, half smile at random lady, “don’t look at that guy, keep looking straight ahead. Shit, there’s someone I know/like but don’t feel like talking. Sharp turn into electronics. I think I need that cute iPhone cover.”
Into the cart.

Pass more college dorm stuff. Internal sobbing ensues. Involuntary squeak comes out in effort not to outwardly start sobbing. “Is Andrew alive?! Does he need that lightbulb? Look at that neat dorm rug!!”

Detour to vino.
“Pop Crush Red Blend…THANK you!”
Into the cart. “I’d better get two. I mean, just in case I have a guest or something…”

Peruse grocery aisle and gawk at high prices.
“Sweet and spicy black bean hummus??!…Yes please!
But these grocery prices are insane. I’m hitting Aldi.”

Walk by glade candles. Pick up one. No, two.
“Go ahead and take all three of the ‘new scents’. These smell so good. Fall is coming. YIPPEEE! I love fall. Why do these burn so quickly? Why are Yankee Candles so expensive? Dang. I need to start figuring out Halloween costumes. I’m gonna do it early this year and be really prepared and have *amazing* costumes. Haha! yeah right. Did I just laugh out loud? I can’t believe my mom used to buy “patterns” and sew our Halloween costumes. She’s awesome. Oh shit, I need to text her back real quick…”

Grab random shampoos and toothpastes and beauty products that I absolutely do not need whatsoever.

Cash Register.
“Do not go in that one lady’s lane. She’s so moody. You just never know. I mean, I worked retail. Give her a break. It’s a long day. She’s only human. Some customers are aholes. You can’t blame the lady.”

Still go to other lane. Check out.
“It’s how much?! God, I hate this place. But I must use my Red Card so I can get $.02 off my total. But do I have money in checking? Dumb.”

Pass the Starbucks.
“Ok, I NEED a coffee. I can get half-caff. Wait, no…there’s a line and that person is crazy slow and also moody. Get outa here, lady. Get out!”

Car zooms by cross walk.
“What is WRONG with people who speed through cross walks?! Why didn’t I just grab bags and leave cart? Now I have to put this cart back. Blah. Muggy.”

Go to wrong mini van. Try to get in. Can’t get in.

“Ohhh, I see my van. How could I be so wrong about where I parked?”

Get home. “Do I walk bags in? In front of Scott? Oh for pete’s sakes. Of course you do!”

“oh great. What did you get? How much did you spend?”
“Oh, it’s nothing really. Just picked up a few essentials for the girls. For school. Required by the teacher.”

end scene