It’s not that I don’t enjoy a light/easy girls’ night out with friends – ones I hope to get closer with down the line, ones I’ve not seen in awhile that I genuinely miss. 

It’s not that. It’s that I’m ugly-tired and time alone is really scarce, and I don’t even bounce back these days. I need to get focused on some things that will help me feel better – from the inside out. 

I’m over the guilt of not making it a priority right now. I’m in that mode of survival with my family and kids’ ages where I’m getting extra choosy about how I spend free time. 

If I feel a pang of obligatory guilt or a fear-wave “what if they stop inviting me?”, I’m out. Plus, I know they won’t stop inviting me. They’re my friends. 

So right now? It’s family. They’re the priority. I feel like I rarely even get to hang with them! Just hang out. They so rarely get all of me. And me them. 

So it’s ok. Ignore all other social obligations if you must. 

Sister-friends know you’re there. Even though you’re not ‘showing up’ as of late, they know you. They know if they need you IN ANY CAPACITY, you will be there. They don’t accuse you of being selfish when you make a five-scroll-down text string all about you for a few because you needed to get it out (and not on your kids). 

They are the ones you can share your deep shit with. The next day you don’t wake up pulling covers over head  “crap, I said too much” because you know these women on a level where they get your nuttiness; they are likely just as nutty in their own way, and never (not ONCE) is there a worry that they will talk about you negatively with others or stop loving you. 

They may tell their husband how utterly insane you are, but then they’ll both laugh and fall asleep…still loving you. 

And as far as ‘girls night out’ with people you don’t really know yet? Trying to fit in to something new? Feeling pressure to get yourself out there? 

Stop worrying. 

Unless you’re new to a community (it might be necessary in that case), just give yourself a break and let the fear and guilt fall away. 

We all need and often really want to get out, but for those times when you’re forcing it out of ‘fear of missing out’ or some social obligation and then feeling like an actual turd the entire next day and being rude to yourself and your kids, give yourself permission to stop this beast of futility! 

If you need to take better care of yourself and your babes for a spell, just remind yourself that things aren’t always as they seem. 

And sister-friends…they don’t feel jealous for any accomplishments I’ve made in life. They see my raw-ugly-beautiful-difficult-easy life and they know my story. All of it. 

They jump up and down with me for my small victories. They love me on a deeper level because of my “the uglier the better” cards lying on the table. It takes the pressure off and allows them to be openly human. 

Right now at this point in my life, if I can’t talk about some real shit, what is the point? 

I made a choice a couple of years ago to stop investing in the superficial. I don’t want to use up good energy and precious time and genuine thoughts and feelings into one-sided relationships that sit on the surface to portray something not real. 

So when I do get a moment to myself away from my family, I want to be with my sister-friends. 

And someday soon, I will. 

Maybe tomorrow if I feel like it. If not, I won’t force it. I need some sleep in order to be a decent mom tomorrow.