I love him so much.
He has been this person in my life where all the things I wanted in a relationship (or thought I wanted) were dissolved and a new thing came about and started growing – one that I didn’t know I wanted; one that I didn’t know existed or was possible.
Sometimes it’s the very thing that brings me to my knees or makes me feel like I might punch something. But it’s the thing that when it’s not feeling solid or good…I can’t breathe. I feel like I might puke. I have to back down and do my part to make sure I’m meeting him halfway. Sometimes it physically hurts letting go of my stance. But our okayness is more important to me. Sometimes I need to go more than halfway to help him keep going and many times he has to go the further distance to hold me up for a spell.
He’s so strong. And warm. (Literally and not literally.) His love keeps me safe. I take refuge in it. Sometimes to the point where I forget my own strength and abilities and take advantage. He’s ok telling me to stop being a baby. He encourages me – because he believes in me. He reminds me of the very strength he fell in love with. Through his love and confidence in me, I am a better person. I persist in trying things I never thought I could do.
I have a mini scary place in my heart and mind that is full of fear and anxiety. It doesn’t always come out, but when it does it really sucks. Many people might not know this about me.
He knows because I trust him deeply and have told him everything. I’ve fought this place since I was a 9 year old girl. I had to overcome it as a single mom and independent woman. He met me shortly after this victory. When it rears its ugly head, he doesn’t give up on me, but helps me through, and with God and him by my side, the fear dissipates.
I will never stop believing in his love for me. Not just his love for our family, but his love for me. In my own fear, I have doubted him in the past, and for this I am regretful. Through his eyes, I’m able to see myself as a beautiful and capable woman and mother, friend and love. If only I could always see myself through his eyes, maybe I wouldn’t stumble so often at my own insecurities. I keep learning and trying, and I never give up.
I’m not perfect. Nor is he. But ten years ago we held hands in front of God and our loved ones and said we wouldn’t let go. I feel immense joy in my heart that no matter the hardships we experience as a family or the weaknesses we experience as individuals and in our relationship, that our vows stand stronger than ever.
Scottie, happy 10 year anniversary!
You will always be one with me in my soul.